Just fell off a train. Bad.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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