How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
