Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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