I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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