Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
