and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
