I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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