I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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