Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
