You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
my phone needs a breathalizer
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Randomize
