I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
