Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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