I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
