"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I need moral support for this bender
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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