I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
