i just wanna soil my oats bro
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
