Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
