Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
i think my cat just said my name.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
