i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Randomize
