just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
