i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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