Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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