Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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