I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i wish my penis had a tongue
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
