Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
