woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
