Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
