She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
