Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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