rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
