His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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