the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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