I wish my penis had an off switch
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
