How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
