Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
