I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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