I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
