I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
