onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
40s are totally the cure
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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