if you like me you must not know who I am
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
