Just fell off a train. Bad.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
