im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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