The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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