I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
