We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I AM VODKA MAN
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
