I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
