So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
