The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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