I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
