dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Randomize
