she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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