Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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